


A Thousand Ways to Break a Heart

by ConstantWriter85



Series: A Thousand Ways to Break a Heart [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Breakup, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Cheating, Depression, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Hurt Bucky Barnes, POV Bucky Barnes, Reader-Insert, Songfic, Steve Rogers Is a Good Bro, alcohol consumption
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:07:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26321635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConstantWriter85/pseuds/ConstantWriter85
Summary: Bucky Barnes SongficWarnings: Language, Alcohol consumption, Angst, Depression, Crying, getting caught kissing the exA/N: This songfic was a request from Tumblr,  a songfic based on the song “Mr. Loverman” by Ricky Montgomery.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Reader, James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader
Series: A Thousand Ways to Break a Heart [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1919173
Comments: 8
Kudos: 81





	A Thousand Ways to Break a Heart

**_I'm headed straight for the floor, the alcohol's served its tour_ **

**_And it's headed straight for my skin, leaving me daft and dim_ **

Bucky pulled the cork out of his second bottle of Asgardian Rum for the night. Funny thing about super soldiers no one told him, they can’t get drunk—not on regular alcohol, at least. He had found that out the hard way, so had raided Stark’s liquor cabinet until he found the Asgardian Rum that Thor had brought last year.

Bucky chuckled darkly to himself…it made sense. Everything else about him was so fucked up, it made sense that he’d need some toxic alien liquor to get the job done.

And that’s exactly what he wanted. It had been seventy-five years since Bucky had gotten drunk, and oh god, was he ever trying tonight. He didn’t want to hurt anymore, didn’t want to remember…he just wanted to feel numb.

He didn’t want to remember her, especially not tonight.

Two weeks. Two weeks since the worst night of his life, although this one was a close fucking second. Two weeks since he had fucked it all up and lost the one good thing he had in his life, all because of his carelessness with a gentle soul.

She had given him her heart, and he had torn it to pieces.

**_I've got this shake in my legs, shaking the thoughts from my head_ **

**_But who put these waves in the door, I'm cracking out, and I pour._ **

After Hydra, Bucky was like a new man unleashed upon the world. Once he got his head straightened out, he realized the twenty-first century wasn’t so bad. The first reason was the technology. Bucky loved technology. Computers and cell phones, television and the internet—it all amazed him. He had spent _hours_ pouring over the internet, watching documentaries, fiddling with his cell phone, just…learning. The space program alone kept him occupied for days.

The second reason was the women. Jesus Christ, the women. The things they wore—miniskirts, and leggings, high heels and flats, sweaters that hung off one shoulder and sheer, see-through blouses—he loved it all. He loved how free they were. Someone could’ve knocked him over with a feather the first time a woman had hit on him. Sam had thought it was hilarious.

Bucky had dated a lot of women since then. A lot of one-night stands, yes, but he’d had quite a few girlfriends since he’d become a free man. He liked to think of it as returning to “the old Bucky,” but Steve dryly called it “making up for lost time.”—even now, when he could have any woman he wanted, the man was still a prude.

Despite the astounding number of women he took to bed, however, Bucky remained the gentleman. He always made sure the girls knew exactly what they were getting, and he remained sensitive to their needs. He listened to them, talked with them, kept them as happy as they made him, but in the end—even with the girlfriends—it was all about sex.

All that changed the day he met Y/N.

Believe it or not, the life of an Avenger can be quite boring when there isn’t a world to save or an evil crime lord to take down. After all, one can only spend so many hours in the gym.

So Bucky decided to get a degree.

Bucky had always been smart as a whip—most people didn’t see it, they only saw his size or his looks. He loved math and science, and he had been hoping to use his GI Bill to go to college after the war. Needless to say, it didn’t work out for him.

Now, almost a century later, he had a chance again. It was like turning the page on a new life, and Bucky was excited. What he hadn’t expected, though, was _her_.

The first time he saw her was in the library of the local community college, of course. She was wearing an oversized navy sweater and skinny jeans, her hair tied up in a messy bun on the top of her head. She was completely absorbed in her reading, and he flushed as she pulled her lip between her teeth thoughtfully. Her tortoise shell glasses kept sliding down her nose, and she would scrunch it up before pushing them back into place absentmindedly. It was adorable.

He had originally been looking for the librarian, but he felt himself drawn to her. His palms were sweaty and his heart thundered in his chest as he walked closer to her, wondering what he would say. Bucky was _never_ nervous around women, yet he had him tied up in knots, and he hadn’t even met her yet.

There were about seven different books spread across the table in front of her, and she was so intent on her writing that she didn’t even hear him approach. He was standing right in front of her table, and she still hadn’t seen him. Finally, he nervously cleared his throat and she looked up at him, startled.

It was like one of those cheesy movie moments where the whole world slowed down except for the two of them. Bucky couldn’t think—he couldn’t even breathe. When her eyes met his it was like an electric shock went down his spine, and all he could think was that she was the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen. She blushed a bright red under his stare, and he stood there grinning like an idiot.

“Um…d-did you need something?” she asked. Her voice was soft and sweet, a bit timid, and her blush grew even darker. She was just as nervous as he was.

Bucky fidgeted, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear. “I uh, I’m looking for the librarian. I’m new, and they told me I had to get a card before I could check out books.”

She brightened visibly. “Oh. Well, that’s me,” she said, standing. She held out her hand. “I’m Y/N…I’m the librarian.”

Of course she was. Bucky subtly wiped his hand on his pant leg before shaking her hand, hoping his own wasn’t too clammy. Her skin was soft and her fingers delicate but warm, and it fit perfectly in his. He held her hand for maybe a beat too long, but she didn’t seem to mind. Her smile widened, and Bucky lost himself in the endless depths of her eyes.

**_I'm Mr. Loverman, and I miss my lover, man_ **

**_I'm Mr. Loverman, oh, and I miss my lover_ **

Another bottle down. It was starting to go to his head now, and Bucky sat down heavily on the floor, leaning against the kitchen cabinet. He decided to forego the decorum of using a glass, and drank straight from the bottle. Fuck it.

That first meeting at the library turned into a coffee date. Y/N was studying for her masters, and offered to help him study. Thus began the weekly coffee/study dates, which turned into a dinner date three months later. Bucky was a real slow mover with her; Y/N was unlike any woman he had ever met, and he didn’t want to screw it up.

She was kind and sensitive, but painfully shy. She got really nervous around large crowds, and had a hard time talking to new people. It was different with Bucky, though, an instant connection—the two of them were on the same page before they even knew it had turned.

Surprisingly enough _she_ was the one to make the first move, not him. Bucky had been prepared to wait until Armageddon for her, but it happened, right there in the hallway outside her apartment. Their first kiss, and it was more than he ever could have imagined. Soft and sweet, but with a darkly suggestive heat that left him breathless. He wanted more—god, had he wanted more—but he pulled back, preparing to say goodnight. Instead, she opened the door and walked in, leaving it open behind her.

James Buchanan Barnes does not need to be told some things twice.

Afterwards, they lay in her bed a tangle of limbs, just staring at each other. She was so beautiful it almost hurt to look at her, her hair tousled and her skin shining with afterglow. The way she looked at him, as if he were her entire world…in that moment, Bucky knew she was it for him.

One year later, and they were moving in together. Sam and Steve had helped him move his meager belongings into their new apartment near the Tower. For the first time in his life, everything seemed perfect.

Except for one thing.

Bucky was a social person, he always had been. For a time after he had gotten free from Hydra he had been closed off and withdrawn, but those days were behind him now. Being an Avenger meant social engagements, and the Tower was always crawling with people.

Y/N hated going to the Tower. It wasn’t that she didn’t like his friends—just the opposite, actually. Sam and Steve came over all the time, and she had gotten quite close with both of them. They sometimes met the other Avengers out for coffee or lunch, and everyone loved Y/N.

No, it wasn’t his friends. There was a time where he once thought that, but he had been an idiot. The Tower was always crawling with people, and it always made her uncomfortable. Bucky had never understood it, not until now.

The galas were the worst. Stark was always hosting something, and the Avengers were usually expected to show up. After they had begun dating Bucky and Y/N had skipped the first few, but eventually he coaxed her into going.

It was a disaster. She’d had a borderline panic attack as soon as they set foot in the room, and she spent most of the evening up on the balcony, trying to stay calm. She had brought a book with her and just sat up there by herself, away from the noise and the chaos down below. Bucky had offered to leave, but she refused, saying she knew how important it was to him. He was such an idiot.

The fights had started after that.

“Y/N, please…it won’t be for too long, we just have to show our faces and then we can leave.”

“Bucky, I’m really not comfortable at those things, I just…I can’t help it. It makes me panic just thinking about going—all those people, all the noise.”

“But—”

“You go. I know you need to be there, and I know they’re important to you. You go ahead, I’ll be waiting here for you when you get home.”

They had tried a couple more times to hang out with crowds, but Y/N always froze. She was like a deer in the headlights, and he would inevitably find her in the bathroom or outside, shaking and hyperventilating. So, Bucky just started showing up alone.

Attending the galas and events alone turned into nights out with the guys alone. It hurt him. He wanted her there with him, and he couldn’t understand why she couldn’t do it. Bucky was starting to get grouchy with people at work, and Steve finally pulled him aside.

“What’s goin’ on with you, Buck?”

“Nothing—”

“Bullshit. You and Y/N are fighting again, I can tell.”

Bucky sighed. “It’s just that, she never wants to go out. Not with my friends, at least. She’s fine if it’s just me and her, but not when there’s a group. She won’t even humor it anymore. She’s being selfish.”

“It’s called social anxiety, man,” Sam said, turning from his spot on the couch. “It’s a real thing.”

“What, like a phobia or something?”

“Yeah, and for some people it can be as bad as a fear of heights or a fear of dogs.”

“That’s stupid. They’re just people, they’re not gonna hurt her.”

Steve gave Bucky _the look_. “Call it what you want, Buck, but if you keep treating her like this you’re gonna lose her. You’re gonna break her heart.”

Bucky should have listened to them.

**_The ways in which you talk to me, have me wishing I were gone_ **

**_The ways that you say my name, have me running on and on_ **

Three years. Bucky and Y/N had been together for three years, and it had all come crashing down two weeks ago.

“Bucky, you can go! I only said that _I_ didn’t want to go. You know how uncomfortable I—”

“Yeah, yeah, big crowds make you uncomfortable, I get it…you told me a million times. I just think it’s funny that you never have a problem hanging out with your friends, but when it comes to mine, suddenly you’re about to have a nervous breakdown.”

“That’s not fair. It’s only ever one or two of my friends, and I’m fine when it’s just Sam or Steve. It’s just all the lights and the noise, all the people…and everyone is so beautiful and amazing and perfect…”

She was crying now, but Bucky was too angry to do anything. “and…and it’s just _me_ there, standing next to _you_ , and I just…I feel like everyone is staring at me, wondering why someone like me is with someone like you, and I just…I can’t breathe…”

Bucky rolled his eyes and took her by the shoulders. “Y/N, you’re my best gal, and I love you. I _want_ you there by my side…nobody is judging you or staring at you, they’re all a bunch of self-absorbed assholes too concerned about themselves. Please come…I don’t understand how you can’t do this _one_ thing for me, after everything I’ve done for you.”

“Everything you’ve done?” She pulled away from him, her brow furrowing. “What does _that_ mean?”

“Nothing, it’s just—”

“What, like I’m some charity case that you decided to honor with your company?” He started to stutter, but she shut him down. “Look Bucky, I know you ran through the women before me, and if you’re getting tired of this…tired of me, just say it. Because I’ll never get tired of you. _I’m_ not going to be the one to end this.”

Bucky was really getting irritated now. “End this—what the fuck?! What the hell is wrong with you—is that what you think I want?” She started to speak, but he angrily grabbed his jacket. “You know what, fine. Stay home. Wrap yourself up in your comfy little blanket and pretend the outside world doesn’t exist, I’ll be home later.”

**_Oh, I'm cramping up, I'm cramping up_ **

**_But you're cracking up, you're cracking up_ **

Bucky’s irritation had worked it’s way to a slow-burning anger, tempered with depression. Even Steve and Sam knew to leave him alone, and he ended up sitting alone at the bar, brooding about the state of his relationship. So he sat there and drank bourbon, wishing it had an effect on him, and watched the dozens of happy couples across the room.

The final blow came in the form of Dottie, his ex-girlfriend. Six feet of nothing but legs, blond hair down to her ass, she was a sight to give any man a heart attack. Bucky was nice at first, but he just wasn’t in the mood her for her flirtations tonight.

“What’s wrong, Bucky? You look like someone kicked your dog,” she said, sidling up to him.

“Nothin’, it’s just…I gotta lot of things on my mind right now,” he mumbled, staring into his drink.

Dottie leaned closer, and he could smell her perfume. “Well, I can help with that,” Her breasts grazed his arm, making his stomach clench.

He gently but firmly pushed her back. “I can’t, Dottie, I’m with somebody.”

“I’m not offering sex Bucky, I just hate seeing you so sad. I just want to cheer you up.”

Dottie’s lips ghosted over his cheek, and his breath hitched. Bucky felt her hands at his belt, pulling him closer. He caught her hand, meaning to push her away again, but her lips met his and his brain froze.

His eyes fluttered closed as her other hand carded through his hair, and he felt his arms wrap around her waist, seemingly with a mind of their own. His heart was screaming at him to stop, but his brain was on auto-pilot as her lips parted beneath his and he felt her tongue lick into his mouth.

Bucky pulled her tighter against him, his eyes blinking open. Just past her blond curls, he saw movement, and his heart stopped.

It was Y/N, standing there in the doorway. She had decided to brave the crowd and come after all—for him.

Bucky shattered into a million little pieces. She was so incredibly beautiful, standing there in a long, form-fitting gown and heels, putting all of the other women to shame. Her hair was styled and her skin radiant, and Bucky could see she was wearing the necklace he had given her for Christmas. All these little details he noticed, but the one that hit like a knife to the chest was the look on her face.

It was like he could actually see her heart breaking.

Their eyes met, and he saw the light leave them, replaced with a dark, questioning hurt. No anger, just hurt and devastation, and maybe just a hint of understanding, like she wasn’t all that surprised. Suddenly her words rang in his head.

 _“…and it’s just_ me _there, standing next to_ you _, and I just…I feel like everyone is staring at me, wondering why someone like me is with someone like you…”_

Y/N began to back up slowly, not breaking eye contact. She bumped into a waiter, nearly sending them both to the ground, and that broke the spell. Gathering what dignity remained to her, Y/N turned and walked from the gala floor as quickly as her heels would allow.

“Y/N! Y/N, wait!”

Bucky disentangled himself from Dottie without another word. He raced across the floor and out the entrance, but she was gone.

**_I'm shattered now, I'm spilling out upon this linoleum ground_ **

**_I'm reeling in my brain again before it can get back to you_ **

Bucky felt his eyes start to burn, and he knew the tears weren’t too far away. It seemed like all he did was cry lately. He hadn’t quite shut down after that night, but it had been close. Y/N didn’t return to the apartment—he heard she was staying with a friend over in Brooklyn. She wouldn’t respond to his phone calls or texts, and she had taken a leave of absence from her job at the library.

He took another long pull from the bottle in his hands, the room starting to spin now. Bucky didn’t realize it, but the tears had already started to fall. He rubbed the center of his chest, trying to ease the ache he felt there…the hole that had been left in his heart now that she was gone.

Bucky had held out hope that she would come back to him. All of her things were still at the apartment, maybe she just needed some time.

What an idiot he was.

The first thing he saw when he had gotten home tonight was the key on the counter and something small and gold coiled next to it. It was Y/N’s house key and the necklace he had given her, the one she had worn that fateful night. Heart in his throat, Bucky tore through the apartment, but it was too late.

All of her books, her clothes, all of her things…were just gone. It was like she had been completely erased from his life, just the ghost of her memory left to haunt him.

Bucky slid sideways onto the floor, sobbing openly now. Y/N was gone—truly gone. The kindest, gentlest soul he had ever known, and he had torn her heart to shreds with his carelessness and lack of empathy. He had been given a rare and wonderous thing, and he had utterly destroyed it.

And it was now destroying him.

Bucky barely registered the sound of a key in the lock. He knew it couldn’t be her, so he didn’t care who it was. It wasn’t until he felt two strong hands lifting him up and leaning him back against the wall that he realized it was Steve.

“Jesus, Buck.” Steve pulled the bottle from his hands and loosened his collar. “How much have you had tonight?”

“Dunno.” The room was still spinning and it was hard to focus, so apparently quite a bit.

“C’mon, let’s get you to bed.”

Steve drew Bucky’s arm across his shoulder and pulled him to his feet, half-carrying him to the bedroom. Bucky’s legs didn’t seem to want to support him at all, so Steve ended up setting him on the bed, helping him into a tee shirt and sweat pants.

“I fuck’d up Stevie…I f-fucked up real bad,” Bucky slurred.

He felt his head hit the pillows as Steve rolled him onto his side. A cool washcloth passed over his face, and he groaned.

“Shh…just take it easy Buck, it’s gonna be okay.”

The tears started again, falling hotly onto his cheeks. “No it’s not. She’s gone, Steve. She’s gone and it’s all my fault. And now…now…”

**_Oh, what am I 'sposed to do_ **

**_Without you?_ **

Bucky would give anything to turn back time. To go back, maybe punch himself in the face and to stop this before it had even started. To tell himself to be more understanding—she had accepted everything about him, his past and who he was—but he couldn’t accept this one little thing about her. He had pushed her and pushed her, and in the end he broken her heart and pushed her away.

He would give anything to have her back, but he knew he didn’t deserve her.

“I miss her, Steve,” he whispered.

“I know.”

Steve didn’t say anything else, he just ran his fingers though Bucky’s hair and rubbed his back to sooth him. His face was solemn and sad as he watched his friend gradually quiet, the drunken haze of an alcohol-induced sleep finally claiming him. Steve got up and settled into the chair next to the bed so he could watch over him.

Bucky would be hurting in the morning, a killer hangover and a broken heart. Steve would be there to help him through it, trying to pick up the pieces. His heart ached for both Bucky and Y/N, and he would do anything in his power to get them back together, but he wasn’t optimistic. He watched as his friend slept, curled on his side with the tracks of his tears still visible on his cheeks.

**_I'm Mr. Loverman, and I miss my lover, man_ **

**_I'm Mr. Loverman, oh, and I miss my lover_ **

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Okay, that one hurt. It’s such a sad song, thank you for the request! This was my first songfic request, and my first not-happy ending. If there’s enough interest I may do a part 2 from Reader’s POV and fix things, because it hurts me to leave Bucky like that, even if he was an idiot. Thanks for reading!


End file.
